Phone

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.

Dad: People, this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company's mobile

Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.

The parakeet + cigarette

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He got out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.

"Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."

"Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."

Millionaire's house

I recently paid a visit to a millionaire's house, and ended up not having anything to drink despite the offer.
Below is how the offer was made to me:

Question: "What would you like to have..... Fruit juice, Soda, Tea,
Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"
Answer: "Tea please"
Question: "Ceylontea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea?"
Answer: "Ceylontea"
Question: "How would you like it? Black or white?"
Answer: "White"
Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk?"
Answer: "With milk."
Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"
Answer: "With cow milk please."
Question: "Milk from Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: "Uhmm? I will take it black."
Question: "Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar"
Question:" Beet sugar or cane sugar?"
Answer: "Cane sugar"
Question:" White, brown or yellow sugar?"
Answer: "Wow! Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."
Question: "Mineral water or still water?"
Answer: "Mineral water"
Question: "Flavored or non-flavored?"
Answer: "Gee! I give up.... just forget about everything."

New Improved Lawyers*

One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".

The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can''t afford a thing to eat."

So the lawyer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."

The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."

The lawyer said, "You''re going to love it there, the grass is a metre tall."

Texas Trooper

Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, ''Why did you do that??''

The trooper responds, ''You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!''

''I apologize sir, I'm not from around here.''

The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face.

''What was that for?'' asked the passenger.

''I know your kind,'' says the trooper, ''About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that son of a bitch would have tried that crap with me!'''

Blonde

3 girls meet god. 1 was a redhead, 1 was a brunette, the last was a blond. God told them if you want to enter heaven an angel will tell you 100 jokes and you must not laugh at any of them.

The girls accepted. After 42 jokes the brunette laughed and went to hell.

On the 64 joke the redhead laughed and went to hell.

The angel finished saying the 100th joke and the blonde went up to heaven. Suddenly she started laughing like crazy.

"Why did you laugh? I didnt tell you any jokes here!"said the angel

The blonde explains:"I just got the first one!"

Death row in a woman's prison

Three women are about to be executed. One''s a brunette, one''s a redhead, and one''s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"